Is it strange that I still kind of like someone who already ignores me for months for no reason at all, who just left me without saying a thing? Someone who made me cry and disappointed and made my heart ache? But also someone who made me laugh when I felt bad, someone who let me see the light when all I was surrounded with was darkness and told me she loved me when I really needed to hear it from someone? It all seems like a big lie, she isn’t the person she used to be anymore. And still I’d take her back in a heartbeat… Is that really so strange after all or am I just being naïve?

I’m starting to get bad again.

I literally am such a stupid person. Yesterday I was freaking out because I actually wanted to kill myself but I didn’t know what to do, but I was scared to tell anyone because I knew today it would be going a bit better, but I ended up telling one of my friends anyway and she was like: ”Oh don’t worry you’re not bothering me or anything, I’m sexting with someone. But where the fuck does this come from so suddenly?”
And I wanted to fucking punch her when she typed that, like, what the hell????????
anyway she doesn’t know that I’m already feeling bad for such a long time and I keep telling everyone it’s going fine and that I’m happy but it’s like.. If I keep telling myself that many times, I will be happy eventually right??
But I told her that I didn’t know where it came from and that it doesn’t matter anyway because it wouldn’t make the feeling go away and she was like ”But how am I supposed to help you when you never fucking tell me what’s going on, you always either tell everything or you tell nothing, it doesn’t make sense” and I was like ”Alright I’m sorry I shouldn’t have tell you this anyway” and I went offline and I fucking cut myself and I hate myself so much I honestly wish I could take that moment back so my arm wouldn’t hurt this much now and I promised myself I wouldn’t cut this year and ajdklscjhsiochifoqqtwqrq

but today I came online on msn and she also wrote to me yesterday (what I didn’t read because I was gone already): ”Maybe it’s good for you, but for me it isn’t. I don’t know if you know this, but you leave me with the thought you’re going to hurts yourself. If that’s how you treat your friends, go ahead.”
And I don’t get if that’s her way of telling me she doesn’t want to be friends anymore idk I just told her nothing happened.
I hate myself so much I always hurt everyone and I wish I was dead but I haven’t got the guts to actually do it
I hope a car hits me next week nobody fucking likes me anyway I don’t even like myself I’m not worth happiness and good things and cute things and bye

Today sucks.
First: a boy pushed someone from my class and he thought I pushed him, so he asked ”Why did you do that?!” and then the boy just came standing next to him like ”yeah that’s so not cool.”
Second: a girl from my class who I hang out with ditched me at gym and just left when I was still getting changed, but I always wait for her (not anymore now).
Third: my teacher was explaining the homework I didn’t do and I don’t get it one bit, we’re already busy with this chapter for WEEKS but I don’t understand anything and the test in two weeks.
Fourth: my mentor’s a jerk.
Fifth: I’ve been feeling like utter shit the whole goddamn day because everyone ignores me for weeks already and everything is going wrong again, I just feel like everyone hates me and they all want to get rid of me (including myself). Such a great feeling :)))))))

You know what I don’t get? If someone makes you happy, like, really happy, then why don’t you want to be with that person? 
You make me happy and you don’t know how more happy it makes me to know you like me back, but you say we can’t be together. And that’s where I seem to get stuck. Why not? Why can’t we be together?
I know we don’t live close together and that’s hard, but we can try. I think we can try. I don’t want to sound stupid, but you make me happy and I want you to make me happy for a really long time and not just today and next week. But you don’t want that. 
And that makes me think; don’t I make you happy? Maybe I just don’t make you happy enough. Maybe you do like me back, but it’s not like you feel to need to know I am yours and yours only. Am I not good enough maybe? Or are you afraid we’ll break up soon and we’re not going to be friends anymore? Because that’s what I think about often.
What if we would break up. But then I think you would be the one to break up with me. I don’t know why, but I think you would be the one to end it all. It’s not that I think you’re a monster, you’re great and I guess you think that I’m great too, but maybe you’d meet someone who’s greater than me. Someone who lives close to you. And I could never beat that person, because I don’t live close to you, I can’t go to you if you’re feeling bad and hug you and tell you everything’s going to be okay… So maybe you’re right after all and it really is better to just keep dreaming about each other.

It’s hard to live in the past and the present at the same time. You can’t.
But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to. All people come at a point in their life when they want to be little again, that 5 year old child sitting on the couch with their drinking bottle happily watching the cartoons which break your heart right now when you only hear the theme song.
When you’re little the world is so great, everything is new and awesome and you want to discover it all. It’s like you’re in your own little fairytale.
Your dad is your king, your mom is your queen and when you’re older that doesn’t change. But they do.
If you want the dog to be your horse, the dog is your horse. If you want to be a princess, you invite one of your friends and dress up in one of your moms prettiest shirts and your toy heels. Drink a cup of tea together and pretend your stuffed animals are drinking them too. You go to school with a smile and come back with an even bigger one. When you’re little life’s easy.
But when you grow up you want more, like a cellphone or a computer, but life also wants more of you. And that’s when people crack, when their life turns into a nightmare. One that not even your mom can take you away from, it only goes away when you’re sleeping… If you’re lucky enough.

Love can be a great thing.
It makes people smile, be happy, excited, nervous, cry. But we love it.
Unless it’s not a real smile, you’re not truly happy and you cry for all the wrong reasons.
You’ll make it through but that thought doesn’t help at that moment. But at least you can move on from then.
It’s even worse when you both like each other but you can’t be together. Maybe because of the distance, mostly because of the distance actually. Or maybe because one of them just isn’t ready.
Either way, it’s still better than them not liking you back right? No. I mean, yes, in a way it is, but it really isn’t.
You’re just stuck with all these fantasies, all these questions: what if… maybe if… if, if, if.
It makes it so much harder to move on because a part of you doesn’t want to. A part of you wants to figure this out, wants to take the chance while it’s still there, while you still know that person cares for you the way you care for them. But you can’t.
So you both don’t talk about it anymore.
And after a while when the subject comes up again and your eyes cross from across the room, you know you haven’t moved on at all. You still feel that little something in the bottom of your stomach and you wonder if she feels it too.
But it wouldn’t matter because it can’t. 
It never could.